When I first saw my current girlfriend, I was extremely shocked by her physical appearance. She was the spitting image of my favorite living artist Kunihiko Ikuhara as he appears in [this picture](https://cdn.myanimelist.net/r/200×268/images/voiceactors/3/73909.jpg?s=3251f1c60bc46f474fcdc55448bfa867). Penguindrum is my favorite anime of all time and I’m a very big fan of the guy that I’ll try to put everyone around me on his works. I believe I had this repressed gratitude for Ikuhara’s assistance in getting me through a lot of difficult times, and in her, I suppose I saw a chance to release and express this appreciation. When we first met, she wasn’t really familiar with anime in general, so after introducing her to the medium with a few beginner titles, I rewatched his works with her.

I was listening to Haiiro no Suiyoubi on the bed yesterday night by myself and then she walked in and laid down next to me. I don’t know what came over me, but I just blurted out the truth. She had this really weird look on her face by the time I stopped talking. I told her that I may have projected my feelings for him onto her. She asked me why I was telling her all of this and if I wanted to break it up with her, but I said I didn’t. I was questioning whether my attraction never grew beyond my appreciation for my favorite artist, but I don’t know why I just spouted it all at that moment like that. Did I really love her, or did I just love him? Why did I say all that?

Even if our relationship is still continuing as usual, this situation is cruelty to me. She doesn’t seem to care about it.Maybe I should confess to her that while I’m touching her physically, I occasionally imagine it’s actually Ikuhara in her place. Maybe this will get her to lash out at me. And if the two of them were drowning, I’d save Ikuhara first. (Her favorite Ikuhara was Utena BTW.)