12 hours before my first “adult job” interview, I was sent a drug test permission form which stated it was to be done on company’s grounds. Considering I smoke weed daily I started looking up ways to pass a drug test. I came to the conclusion that I was going to need some clean pee, a small container, and a way to keep it body temperature. I had clean pee and an off brand 5 hour energy bottle (they’re just a tad wider) but needed temperature strips to monitor the temperature.

Unfortunately I was unable to obtain any temperature strips in the time I had to prepare, but knowing that I wouldn’t be able to pass if the temperature wasn’t correct I had the idea to stick it up my vagina. I tested it the night before and even tied a string to it so I could pull it out with ease and everything worked great.

Fast forward to the interview. It was an hour and a half away so I decided to wait till I got there to insert it. I did it in my car w some coconut oil before I walked in just Incase they decided to drug test me first. I walked in and everything was fine, I signed in and they told me to take a seat. As soon as I sat down I knew something was wrong. I went to the bathroom to make sure I could still take it out. I began pulling on the strings but the bottle didn’t move. I tugged again and the string broke. At this point I’m freaking out. I try getting it out with my fingers but I can’t reach it. The only “tools” I have on me are a mechanical pencil and a pen. So in a 3 piece suit and heels, I squat and begin to use these “tools” to try and remove the bottle. About 4 min go by and I’m really freaking out but need to go back Incase they called my name. I walk out and the HR rep sees me and asks if I’m okay. I tell her I have a tampon stuck up my vagina that I can’t get out and that’s why I’m freaking out. She then takes me to the nurse and tells me that hey she can remove it for me! Not wanting the target nurse to pull a bottle of pee out of me, I ask her if I can just try again myself, she says sure and hands me tweezers. Obviously that didn’t work. So she then gives me these scissors with a hook at the end and a disinfectant wipe… Still didn’t work. At this point I just have to do the interview. It lasted 3 hours and I had to take a tour of a 900,000 sq ft distribution center.

When the interview finally ends I rush to the closest urgent care where I have to explain to the doctors why there’s a 5 hour energy in my vagina. At this point I’m convinced I just don’t have the right tools and they’ll get it out in no time. Upon looking, the doctor informs me that not only is it lodged behind my pelvic bone, but that it’s also sideways. Her first idea is to drill a hole into the bottle IN MY VAGINA and then fish it out. \~Luckily\~ they just sent me to the ER instead.

So now I’m at the ER where they then inform me that since it’s behind my pelvic bone getting it out would mean essentially birthing a 5 hour energy bottle, but since I wasn’t actually giving birth my body wasn’t dilated and they couldn’t remove the bottle without putting me under.

Well, after 8 hours of having a 5 hour energy bottle lodged in my person, it was finally removed. I didn’t get the job and I didn’t even get drug tested.