Once, when I was playing a Roblox game, I was running desperately to collect a selection of antique biscuits – the main currency in said game – when, to my distress, I found that someone had suddenly materialised ahead of me and hoarded these biscuits for himself. This cruel turn of events is understandably seared into my memory; I shall never forget how I wept bitter tears of ire, praying to the Roblox gods for justice.

I then began to contemplate how and why it had happened. This person had obviously been engaging in the process we know in the computer world as hacking (a technical term that not many are familiar with, so don’t feel insecure if you don’t understand it). After all, one does not simply appear from thin air out of sheer desperation for biscuits; his miraculous appearance had been cunningly pre-planned and executed with the use of hacking technology.

I thus decided to embark on a *Moby-Dick*-esque journey for retribution. But before I could exact my revenge, I needed to know my enemy and how he operates. The exploiter I encountered, christened blue_waffle86, must have been using advanced technology, and I needed to understand how it worked. Before we delve into the complexities of Roblox hacking software, however, we must first understand the thing for which it has been designed.

Roblox has existed since before time began, but what is Roblox? No one truly knows, but what we do know is that Roblox was discovered by David Bazooka (AKA builderman) and his accomplice Eric Castle. It grew quickly in popularity during the latter half of the 2010s, and its spread was exacerbated further from 2020 onwards (just when you thought one pandemic was enough). Roblox is free to join, meaning you don’t get swindled at the door, but rather, upon playing, when you are inundated with microtransactions from greedy developers. You also find that free avatar customisation is laughably limited, a ploy designed to get you to shell out your cash in order to dress with some level of dignity. Some people, however, don’t bother customising their avatars and are thus known as “bacon-hairs” (due to the bacon-like appearance of default avatars’ hair). I find that the majority of these so-called bacon-hairs are the foundation of many Robloxian communities and need not be treated with hostility. Some, however, are evil sinners who indulge in the aforementioned form of witchcraft known as hacking.

So, what actually *is* hacking? Personally, I hack someone to death maybe once a month, but that’s a different story. Hacking in this sense does not mean chopping someone up, but “gaining unauthorised access to data in a system or computer”. (Again, it’s fine if you don’t understand what these words mean: it requires a certain level of genius to comprehend.) I then began to wonder if we’ll ever be able to stop people from hacking. Maybe it’s impossible, like carrying water in a sieve or completing a jigsaw puzzle.

I discovered which particular hacking software was being used by my nemesis, and, it transpires, it requires little expertise to install and use. So, it turned out I was not dealing with some sort of computer mastermind, but likely a mere child using his mother’s laptop, the realisation of which further amplified my humiliation. Nonetheless, understanding that it would be morally questionable to unleash my wrath upon a child, I mercifully decided to let him get away with it… for now. I was, at this point, more occupied by contemplating the psychology of his heinous actions. To understand why he had done what he done, I spoke with child psychologist Richard Richardson from the University of Nottingham. Our ~~interrogation~~ interview is recorded below.

“Richard,” said I, with a great air of academic know-how, “I’m so glad you could spare the time.”

“It’s no trouble at all,” he mused musingly.

“Let’s get down to business. Tell me immediately about children and their brains.”

“Well, that’s quite a big ask. Child psychology is extremely nuanced and there are a great many factors involved. Is there anything you’d like to ask about child psychology in particular?”

“Yes, actually. I was recently playing a children’s game and one of the players hacked the game to gain an advantage over me, and I was wondering why he would do that.”

“Well, I think you may have answered your own question there, but it’s important to remember that young children’s brains are significantly less developed than ours. If they cheat more often during games, that can largely be put down to the frontal lobe having not fully grown yet – in particular, the orbital and ventromedial prefrontal cortices. This part of the brain has a primary role in moral behaviour, such as emotionally driving moral decisions.”

“Yes, I understood all those words. For the tape, could you clarify how impressed you are by my academic know-how?”

“Hold on, are you recording? I don’t want to be linked to this nonsense.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell them your name’s really Robert Greenwood.”

So, there we have it. Children hack Roblox games because their pathetic little brains aren’t fully grown yet and don’t understand the importance of morality as well as adults can. As we all know, adults are completely without sin. Children, however, are evil, evil creatures and should be banned from Roblox with immediate effect. This is my solution to the problem of hacking. Thank you all for reading. For my next Reddit post here, I will be asking if Roblox viruses are real or if they’re just another hoax, like UFO landings or Brexit.