I’ve been managing a sex shop for a few years now. There are a lot of weird stories (no, no pill will make you John Holmes overnight; no that’s not where her clitoris is…), but here’s my fave:

I had been helping an older gentleman (60s maybe) look through plugs and dildos for a while, just talking materials and specs and whatnot. He eventually tells me that he is planning to transition to female – cool. (Note I will be using male pronouns in the story, because I think this person was more “kooky” than “trans”).

Eventually he tells me this story about how his whole life, he’s had horrible kidney stones. No doctor has ever been able to figure them out. One day, his doctor says “We’re gonna get to the bottom of this,” runs a bunch of tests, and finds that these “kidney stones” have been, since he was about 13, the residue of menstruation happening completely within the body, because our hero is in fact a hermaphrodite. Further, he is some particularly rare breed of hermaphrodite, with fully functional internal processes for both sexes (only male external genitalia tho). When he learned this, it made so much sense to him, because he had always felt more in touch with femininity.

So he planned to transition. His wife – “now, she’s an old fashioned Baptist gal” – said that she would support him right up until the moment he went to the hospital for the operation, but that once she didn’t have a husband anymore, she was out. His daughter was excited to have two moms.

With me so far?

“But then,” he tells me, “we get contacted by this university in Florida.” He says this university wants to do a study on him – he said they would put him and his wife up in a house, pay them A MILLION DOLLARS, and try to inseminate his ovaries with his own sperm. He even did the “jerk off” hand motion to indicate the sperm acquisition process.

This university, he tells me, has tried the experiment before. “They’ve been able to save the baby,” he tells me, “but never the mo…. The fa… The donor.” These chances do not thrill him, but they are very appealing to his wife. “So in the end, where will I be? I’ll be six feet underground, and she’ll be up here WITH MY MILLION DOLLARS, and she’ll have a little tiny version of me that she can raise just like she wants, and spank his little bottom when he’s bad, and everything.”

With me so far?

“But then,” he tells me, “since that baby would be a perfect genetic clone of me, it would have the same condition I have. So they would just inseminate them with their own sperm, and their child after them, and eventually I become my own new human race.”