Goddamn man, I’m in a real bind and I don’t really know what to do. This is going to sound weird, but stick with me here, okay? I think my ass is gay. Like, I’m not gay, I love women. I love women a lot. I like them like I like my fudge: Thick and fucking dense as hell. No joke, I really love women. BUT! When I’m watching television and I see George Clooney or Mel Gibson, or any of those other older, ruggedly handsome men, I feel something down there in my ass. I start to tingle down there, man. I just don’t know what it means. I mean, yeah, I think they’re cool guys and all, but I don’t want to FUCK them. And I certainly don’t want to BE FUCKED by them! I love women, after all. But it seems like every time a salt and pepper haired stud of a man comes up on my TV my fucking ass just can’t help but start to gape, like a hungry baby eyeing the milky teat of a loving mother. Now, that’s not too much of a problem, but here’s the thing: I’m in a real bind. You see, I was having some big sex with a very hot woman a few months ago and the TV just so HAPPENED to be on in the background, and Daddy’s Home 2 with Mel Gibson just so HAPPENED to be playing, and my ASS just so HAPPENED to start gasping, and that very, very hot WOMAN just so HAPPENED to see this and stuck a BIG FAT FINGER in my ASS, and now I JUST SO HAPPEN to be unable to ejaculate unless an older, distinguished gentleman JUST SO HAPPENS to be playing on the TV while I have sex with a HOT WOMAN and she JUST SO HAPPENS to soak and poke my PUCKERING ASS. Do you have ANY idea how many JUST SO HAPPENS have to fucking HAPPEN for that all to work out? I haven’t cum in WEEKS. I’ve tried everything, man. I’m not going to go into details, but yeah, I’ve tried EVERYTHING. I’ll admit it, YEAH, getting my hole finger blasted feels GREAT. I want every HOT WOMAN I have SEX with to plunge the mud. But I’m sick and tired of my fucking ASS being so goddamn GAY about the whole thing. STOP getting so goddamn EXCITED about Mel Gibson you DUMB ASS.