Condom stockings (true story)

Yesterday, both parents were out at some bourgeoisie teacher holiday party (they’re both teachers) so I was spending the night home alone. I did my homework n all that, got a lil drunk, n started watching random YouTube videos n learning shit via Wikipedia.

I came across this cool thing showing that a condom could streach super big underwater, n people were using them as showercaps or whatever. So I, being stupid n still a buzzed thought “YO I should try this out in the hot tub!” So I did.

I got 2 condoms (just in case) n got into the backyard hot tub. I turned the jets on n filled one up under water like a water balloon. It got about the size of my torso. It made me think of a wet suit so I put my leg in it. It went about to the top of my thigh. I squeezed the water out n was literally wearing a condom stocking under water.

I started doing the other leg, to make it perfectly balenced, like all things should be, although as I was doing it my toenail popped the other one. It split up into many pieces so I just called it quits.

It was starting to get late/dark out so I fished out all the condom bits there were and got out.

Fast forward to this morning. I wake up n my mom is knocking on my door saying “hey can we talk” so I’m like “yeah ok lemme get dressed n all that” n later we’re both seated on the coach n my mom says
“so uhhhhh, there were a few ‘balloon-like bits’ in the hot tub and uh, soooo yeah. Would you mind cleaning it out, draining it, and refilling it?” And at this point I was thinking like aaaaawww shiiit. So yeah. I cleaned the hot tub cause there’s no way I’m telling her the true shit I did while drunk the night before. As of now, she’s convinced I jizzed in the hot tub when my only crime was making condom stockings.

Anyway yeah. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.