I went out to the river a few days back and rested under the shade tree. No one or nothing else there, just the sounds of the river rolling over the rocks, the crunching leaves under my feet, the wind blowing the branches overhead. Everything was so organic, so peaceful. I reflected on growing up, how I struggled in school and was put into tutoring against my own will for 4-5 years. I would wake up early in the mornings, go to school, go to tutoring, and then eat dinner alone, every single night for years. Same routine, over and over. I vividly remember being told that I was not the favorite child, that I would need to work harder, that I wouldn’t be successful. Imagine what that does to a person’s mind. I reflected on my advisor who told me I wouldn’t make it into pharmacy school, I reflected on how no one at home was waiting on me with the light on when I drove two hours home from Athens. I thought about all the birthdays and the New Years I spent sitting alone in my bed, knees to my chest, with nothing but a dim light of a salt lamp or a string light in the darkness. I reflected on not finding somewhere I felt natural, comfortable, and how I spent so much energy and depleted myself trying to make everyone happy, trying to be everyone’s “guy”, and how I tried to reject the idea that I wouldn’t be able to find a place that I belonged.
Under the shade tree by the river I realized that this is who I want to be, this is the only way I found inner peace. Alone, me and my thoughts, accepting and realizing that this is just how my life is meant to be. I’ll never experience some things that others do, my mind processes information differently, I spend more time than anyone I know dwelling on the intricacies of life and human interaction and behavior and the complexity of emotions and thoughts.