Whadda ya say about pineapple on pizza, you miserable excuse for a food critic? I’ll have ya know, I graduated top of my class at the prestigious culinary school of the Arts, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret pizza tasting sessions, and I have over 600 confirmed pizza deliveries. I am trained in pizza warfare and I’m the top pizza chef in the entire restaurant industry. You are nothing to me but just another tasteless fool.

Let me tell you why pineapple does not belong on pizza. The mere thought of puttin’ that sweet and sour fruit on a savory dish like pizza is an affront to good taste. The combination of flavors is a culinary crime that should be punished by law. Pineapple on pizza is a scourge, a plague, a blight upon the sacred institution of pizza makin’. Its flavor profile clashes with the richness and complexity of pizza toppings like pepperoni, sausage, mushrooms, and olives. It ruins the delicate balance of flavors that make pizza the heavenly dish that it is.

And don’t even get me started on the texture. Pineapple on pizza is like puttin’ a soggy sponge on top of a perfectly good pizza. The fruit’s juices seep into the dough, makin’ it mushy and unappetizin’. It creates a slimy mess that ruins the whole pizza experience. Eatin’ a pineapple pizza is like tryin’ to enjoy a delicious steak while bein’ forced to chew on a mouthful of raw, slimy slugs. It’s an abomination.

You think you can get away with sayin’ that crap about pineapple on pizza over the Internet? Think again, punk. As we speak, I’m contactin’ my secret network of pizza chefs across the USA, and your IP address is bein’ traced right now, so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your taste buds. You’re freakin’ dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can make a pizza that tastes 100 times better than your pathetic excuse for a pizza, and that’s without pineapple.

Not only am I extensively trained in pizza warfare, but I have access to the entire arsenal of pizza toppings and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable pineapple pizza off the face of the continent, you little weasel. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your freakin’ tongue.

But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re payin’ the price, you damn fool. I will rain down my culinary wrath upon you and you will drown in it. You’re freakin’ dead, kiddo. No pineapple on my pizza, ever. And if I catch ya even thinkin’ about orderin’ a pineapple pizza, I will personally make sure that you’ll never eat a decent pizza again. Consider yourself warned, loser.