Oh boy, let’s talk about this filthy piece of waste called Serana. Serana is without question the most poorly conceived, lore-breaking, anachronistic, useless, and irritating character in Skyrim. There are so many problems with this trollop that destroys the Dawnguard DLC entirely. Serana single-handedly ruined the Dawnguard questline for me. I thought Dawnguard would be awesome, killing vampires and stuff, but enter Serana, the basement dweller’s dream, who proceeds to kill any and all interest or excitement in this questline.

I’m going to list the numerous reasons why Serana sucks and why no one likes this smelly beast.

1. Serana is over 4000 years old. And much of her life was spent sealed away in a dank, disgusting, smelly tomb deep underground. Serana HAS NOT BATHED in over 4000 years. She is disgusting, foul, malodorous, and downright filthy. I couldn’t even stomach being in her presence while I was playing the game, because surely my character would’ve been wretching at the mere sight of that pig, let alone the smell of it. So for all you “duhhh Serana is super hotz” fanboys out there, and I know you exist, know that Serana smells really bad.

2. Serana is useless in combat. Just worthless. All she does is resurrect the nearest dead creature, be it a rabbit or a skeleton, and then cast weak destruction spells. She also blows my cover every time I’m sneaking because she sucks. Not once has she proven useful in a fight throughout the entire questline. I end up killing every enemy I encounter when that dirty creature is my follower, and most of the time, I tell her to wait at a location while I go take care of business. And I’m not going to waste my precious ingots and leather strips making nice armor and weapons for such an animal. I even took away her stupid elven dagger, probably her prized ancestral weapon, and sold it to Gunmar.

3. Serana complains about everything, from weather to topography to architecture. What a whiny little nagging troglodyte boar. None of my other loyal followers ever annoy me with their ceaseless complaints. Because of this, I rarely traveled her, instead opting to fast travel everywhere when she was involved. When she would obey my command to wait, I would leave her at one end of Skyrim while I go off to kill her fellow vampires. When she insisted on following me, I paralyzed her, ran ahead, and when she caught up, I paralyzed her again so I wouldn’t have to hear her stupid voice or be in her foul presence. Sometimes I would mix it up and use ash shell instead, as long as she is motionless and stationary, s’all good.
4. She has an annoying, uppity attitude. Half the time, she refuses to leave you alone for even a minute, she doesn’t follow your orders, she doesn’t carry your stuff for you, and she has the gall to tell me to get rid of my cooler followers for her? Outrageous. Because she was so annoying, every now and then, I would set her alight with a torch or douse her in fire just to remind her that she sucks. Occasionally, I would just savagely punch her in the face several times to reinforce my swag. It’s so funny that Serana cares so much for you, and thinks you also care about her. Lol nope. Every time I got the chance, I insulted her and made it clear that she was merely an asset for the Dawnguard and nothing more. I remember this one time where Serana said that she was my friend, and I told her that I don’t like journeying with her. Felt awesome. When Valerica asked me if I care about Serana, I told her that it’s all about dat Elder Scroll tho. If it was possible, I would have definitely killed Serana as soon as the questline was done, just burn her to death with sun fire. Even better, I would let Harkon kill her, to give Serana the emotional pain of being killed by her own daddy. It should have been a dialogue option to consistently remind that gross mutt that she stinks, to put that feculent hag in her place.

5. Serana is mad hideous. She has a bald spot smack dab in the middle of her head, and her hairstyle is nasty. So ugly. Even Uthgerd the Ugly is radiant in comparison to the ugly little vampire Serana. Meg Griffin too. I’m so glad she isn’t eligible for marriage. Bethesda was smart and realized that no one would like Serana, so they didn’t waste any time making her a potential marriage candidate. Besides, the only people who would actually be attracted to a filthy, weak, disgusting piece of skeever dung that hasn’t bathed in 4000 years are definitely sick in the head. Probably live in basements too.

6. A lot of people falsely claim that Serana is an interesting, well-developed character. Ummm, no. Serana’s personality consists solely of daddy issues, generic teenage angst, trite garbage like “I want to defy my destiny” and “Nobody understands me but you”. Serana’s backstory is so hackneyed that a 13-year-old girl probably wrote it during non-honors algebra as fanfiction. You know who Serana is? Serana is that lonely fat girl with B.O. wearing a sweatshirt in temperate weather while hanging out at the isolated corner of the schoolyard. Seems to match Laura Bailey, I’d say. Severio Pelagia has more character than Serana. Even an inkpot has more personality than Serana.

8. This is my biggest issue with this swine filth Serana right here. Her dialogue is so painfully anachronistic. She speaks with the tone, dialect, and diction of your typical American teenager, not what you would imagine an ancient vampire to sound like. Completely lore-breaking. She throws around words like “totally”, “kinda”, and I don’t feel like I’m in Tamriel anymore. My favorite example is when you ask her about Valerica fleeing from Harkon, Serana says that Valerica seemed to “stick it to him”. WTF NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT IN SKYRIM. That vernacular violates lore so hard. If anything, Serana’s word choice and vernacular should be more dated and refined, considering that she’s an ancient vampire. Harkon speaks with grace, why can’t his useless hog of a daughter do so as well? Worst voice acting I’ve ever heard in a medieval fantasy RPG game. Maybe if the voice actress was hot, I could look past it, but Laura Bailey, similarly to Serana, resembles a putrid bum.

Be it hagraven or horker, mammoth or troll, nothing can beat Serana in terms of pure repulsiveness and ugliness. She is a rancid, fetid, diseased sack of pallid flesh that must be burned alive.