“Fuck! Holy Fuck! Jesus Christ! You just fucking shot me!” Knuckles bawled. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“I am so sorry. I am so sorry.”I told him.

“You fucking idiot! You shot me! You goddamn moron!”

“Hey, I happen to have a very high IQ.” I told him.

Knuckles continued screaming for a minute or two until falling silent.

He was dead.

A painful silence filled the room. My mind was racing, but at the same time, it was also completely blank.

They don’t prepare you for this at Harvard Law School.

I picked the shotgun back up and stumbled back into the living room. The Sega Dreamcast was gone.

“I know you are here, Sonic!” I shouted. “So just come out now!”

Silence. My eyes kept darting all around the room. He could be anywhere I thought. The adrenaline in my system that was keeping my leg from hurting was starting to wear off. Fatigue was setting in. Shit. If I don’t deal with Sonic soon, I’m a goner. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw something in the kitchen.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

It was nothing. Then a chilling realization hit me. I was out of bullets. Then I heard his voice.

“You should be careful, Ben. Are you not aware that seventy percent of accidental gun deaths occur in the home? If you are not careful, your love of the second amendment is going to get you killed. And we wouldn’t want that, would we?” Fear cascaded through my nervous system. I tried to pinch myself awake, but this was no dream. This was reality. I took a deep breath and turned around.

There he was. Sonic the Hedgehog. Hyper-realistic blood running down his face. My first thought was to run. But I knew that would be pointless. I knew that he could snap my neck in a millisecond if he wanted to. I was a fly caught in his web. And I knew he wanted to take his time with me. To torture me. To put me in so much pain that I would forget my own name or even forget what a disaster the Affordable Care Act was.

I was doomed.

“Don’t worry, buddy.” Sonic taunted. “This will only hurt a lot.” He started to walk closer towards me. Each step like the gong of a bell in my ears. I never should have walked into the Gamestop.

How could the free market have done this to me.

I had only one hope. I cried out for Reggie. He was the only one who could stop this. There is no way he would let Gamestop get bad publicity like this. As Sonic stepped closer, a cloud of smoke appeared. Out of the fog, Reggie Fils-Aimé appeared.

“Thank God, you came!” I smiled.

“Anything for a customer.” Reggie turned his attention towards Sonic, who was still smiling with his smug smile that he does.

“So, you called on your big brother to help you out, Ben. That is so sweet. I guess I will have to get rid of you both then. I have always wanted to get my hands on Mario. But I guess you will have to do, Reggie.”

“Silence!” Reggie’s voice boomed throughout the house. “You will never defeat me Sonic. I am but a mere projection of the real Reggie Fils-Aimé. But I am still ten times stronger than you could ever hope to be. You are nothing more than a stain on the world of gaming. You should have been wiped out years ago, but you keep hanging on. You are quite resilient. I am afraid that your resilience ends tonight. I will do all in my power to destroy you, Sonic. You will never again torture any-“

Sonic leapt forward, jamming his knee into Reggie’s stomach. Reggie yelled out in disbelief before exploding into a puff of smoke.

“What. How. Did.” I stuttered my words in absolute fear. Sonic dusted himself off.

”I knew he was too weak to handle me. After all. Sega does what Nintendon’t.”

The room was spinning at this point. I spun around towards the front door. Maybe if I could just get outside, I would be safe. I started towards the door, but collapsed due to exhaustion. Sonic started laughing at me. I could tell by his laugh that he was absolutely giddy as he watched me try to escape with my life.

“Come on, Ben!” Sonic said. “We could go to Six Flags. Just like you’ve always wanted. You, me, Knuckles. Oh wait, you killed Knuckles, didn’t you. That was very naughty of you, Ben, I think you’re going to need a time out. A permanent time out!”

I was at the door at this point, my bloody hand struggling to get a grip on the knob. Sonic walked closer.

End of the line.