My buddy Jay always knew how to make the boys and girls at camp quite uncomfortable with his false jaw. Ya see, Jay could, and often would, open his mouth all the way and use his foreknuckle to tap at the hinges. Pop on one side then pop on the other, and just like that, his entire jaw would be dislocated and free hanging. His exceptionally long tongue would dangle and drip like a juicy slug with a secretion disorder trying to pull itself up on a leaf. With his throat extra open, he was able to let loose a warbling, bassy bellowing not all too dissimilar to a didgeridoo.

Haha, and that’s when most folks expressed their disgust. Each and every girl and boy besides me would contort their unprepared faces with unease. The unsettling sight of my slight boy, Jay, waggling his over-salivating tongue, flinging thick drippies through the humid summer camp air, was enough to make some of these fragile babies wretch and horf in repulsion. That’s when he’d give me the wink.

I’ve got to admit something here. I have my own way of making people feel uncomfortable and it has to do with my hips. My hips are mighty flexible and might strong, and much like Jay’s jaw, I’m not limited to the joint they start in. No sir, I pop out my legs and turn them, quite easily, 180°, making them face upways instead of downstyle. If the loud, wet, uncorking twist and pops of my two legs being repositioned, with my bones and sinew visibly moving beneath my skin, wasn’t enough to turn that reactionary upchuck at Jay’s dangling jaw and throat quaver into a full scale hot-spew, then this trick would spill your chili pot for sure.

But that’s not what the wink was for. Sure, subjecting these admittedly innocent teens (and adults) to this grotesque display was fun, but where was the terror? With my legs reversed, I had a whole new center of gravity to work with and strong, powerful thighs in which to hold my body completely horizontal. I’d waddle over to Jay, jaw flopping as his chuckling, and stick my head between his legs, nestling my neck callous into his junk. Then he’d jump, kick, twist, and plop. His legs would be up, wrapped around my lower back, my arms around his knees, and his hands would be on the floor. Our spines would form a synergistic alignment, making us look like a terrible four-legged beast. My own junk would be hanging like a gnarled willow tree root.

Then, the chase would be on. We’d hunt down any runners. The stayers, those frozen in fear or disgust, would be spared. It wasn’t because they deserved it. It was just that me and Jay had much, much more fun chasing down our prey. With my powerful legs, we were able to leap and sprint. Our two bodies meant we can maneuver around trees and chairs and doors and traps and hardly need to slow down. Jay’s distended tongue and open throat gave him an enhanced sense of taste which made hiding from us impossible. No matter where you went, Jay would be able to taste your sweat in the air.

Once we got you, it was a full body assault. Jay would pin the arms and lick everything north of the umbilicus (navel). Sometimes I thought that that tongue of his was positively prehensile. Meanwhile, I’d scrunch our dual body up, arching me and Jay over our victim. Exposed from the lick down, I would reach down and just tickle the everlasting soul out of them. Sooner or later, their sense would be overwhelmed, overstimulated, and their bodies would shut down. “Another satisfied customer” we’d call them.

We did this for a dozen or so decades around several camps in the Great Lakes area. But what happens? Same thing as everyone else. You grow up, have families, and lose that wild, youthful energy.

I miss it, though. Hard not to think about sometimes, especially on these humid June days like today. Haha, it gets my hip bones itching.