A buddy was having a big birthday and I came. After a dinner I agreed to go to some club. I know from many bad experiences that the club scene isn’t for me. But his other friend paid lots of money for a table there, so I went.

The first sign of trouble was the pretty boy doorman who was deciding who to allow in. He kept looking me up and down. Finally with a disgusted look he let us in.

I looked out at the ocean of people who were seemingly able to enjoy themselves freely. They were just moving to the music. If I wasn’t ugly I would run out there and experience it all, I told myself.

My friend interrupted my self pity and handed me a pill. He said it would make the night “magic”. I had never taken anything before except weed. I took it. Well after about 20mins the music and lights became incredibly fascinating. I went to the outside section of the club and blasts of alternating cool and hot air were shooting from the stage. Wow what a feeling. I want to stay all night I thought…I don’t want this feeling to end.

Something catches my attention and I turn to my right. I can’t help it but my jaw drops when I see one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen about 20 ft from me.

Her friend sees me and shoots me a disgusted look. I turn away. A moment later they walk past me and the beautiful one says “My friend hates your face.”

Well this brings back all the insecurities and bad memories from all the bad experiences I had growing up. So many times in my life I’ve been called ugly. Family members, teachers, classmates, coworkers and of course lots of random strangers.

I’m 6’2 blond blue eyes in good shape. Makes no difference because of weak jaw/recessed chin. Extremely deep and close set eyes. Bad skin with lots of pockmarks. Small yellowish whitening resistant teeth and a silly bulbous nose. Also skinny neck with prominent Adam’s apple and shitty voice. Oh and can’t grow a beard to hide anything.

Anyways I didn’t let it bother me too much as I was enjoying the music and sensations. But the thing that really sucks is missing out on all the experiences I could be having. Going out on the dance floor and moving and feeling free. Feeling like part of humanity. I don’t give myself permission to do this. I am not allowed to do this.

Some really drunk/high girls actually came up to me and started dancing near the end of the night. But I couldn’t get myself to move a muscle. I’m not allowed to dance because I am too ugly. Why do I have to be so ugly? And it’s the worst kind of ugly. I would rather be gruesome ugly than what I am. Un-masculine asymmetrical baby face with bad features.