“oh look there, we’ve found one! An alpha male in his natural habitat, prowling through the meat department looking for the biggest bargain of prepackaged animal flesh to display his strength and dominance. ooooooo, we have a female coming up. she noticed him. you see her blushing and batting her eyes in the males direction? she’s aroused. She observes him sifting through the options, placing his hand on each of the limbs and entrails of various animals. He has her undivided attention from the unrestrained masculine energy being projected from his flabby arms and stomach. He looks downward to read about the pasture this grass fed beef came from. His double chin is displayed. She squeals in excitement. What a lovely sight we have here. Mating is surely in route. He hears her and catches her eyeing him from the other side of the counter. His heart starts beating faster and gets a boost in confidence as he slowly saunters his way toward her with utmost swagger. He tears open the package of flesh and smears it underneath her nose. Her eyes roll to the back of her head for a moment from the utter erotica of this gesture, he brings the bloody flesh back to his face and licks the slab from end to end. The crimson essense of the cow flows down his mouth and chin, droplets fall to the ground. She is completely captivated by this sight; he is not the only one dripping now. He takes a bite in front of her while maintaining eye contact. He’s having trouble ripping the slab. He digs his impressive canines deeper into the flesh and jerks his head back and forth. unsuccessfully, he opens his mouth and sets the slobbered flesh down on the counter and grabs the butchers knife conveniently placed nearby for this hypothetical scenario. he cuts a piece and then halves it. with his fingers he places the raw flesh into her mouth, he feels the wetness of her saliva as she partially sucks his fingers as he pulls away. he licks his fingers where her mouth just was and then places the other half in his mouth. together they chew, and chew, and chew, and chew, and chew, and chew, until their jaws get tired and decide to swallow. oh no. He coughs. he gasps for air. he’s choking! she goes behind him to give him abdominal thrusts but is unable to fully wrap her arms around his belly. he falls to the ground, almost unconscious. she puts her whole weight into his stomach. he coughs one last time and the flesh is seen flying across the floor to the other side of the department. he looks at her with adoring eyes, ones that resembles Squints looking at Wendy on that fateful day by the pool. Nothing can restrain her now from his divine masculinity. They proceed to enact the most gloriously awkward mating ritual. Several minutes of fumbling was necessary in finding his phallus. Also, much pressure was needed to be exerted between their adiposed pelvises to enact penetration. After all this physical movement, his atherosclerosic heart was feeling the brunt of the event. only 17 seconds into the sacral union on that glorified grocery floor did his heart seize. It is too bad. Offspring stemming from such caliber of a man would have every woman at their knees. RIP Alpha Man.
Tune in next time where we observe other Alpha men rightfully asserting their dominance over females. Only this time, of a different species. It’s the new fad everyone is craving, find out more in the new episode titled, ‘bovine fisting: why wait for the steer when you can steer your own profits?’ remember, it can only be found here on Cringe Network. Don’t forget to check out our sister station, What the Fuck is Wrong with You Channel, where they got all the ins and outs and how to’s of disregarding the innocent for sensory pleasure.”