The government may have you believe it is because of the several recalls on spaghetti from Barilla, Kraft, Creamette, and even Kirkland spaghetti in America, however, that’s not the whole story.

To begin, we must go back 10 years. After the embarrassing discovery of the CIA’s involvement in the distribution of crack in 1996, morale was at an all time low within the offices of the CIA. With the more recent collapse of the Greek economy in 2010, the Greek government needed to find new ways to restabilize, and in their search, established a profound system.

To repay their significant debts, the Greek government began taking out extremely secret loans from the US. The CIA re-established their crack distribution within Los Angeles to provide proceeds for the Greek government.

Now you’re probably wondering, how does that money get to the Greeks, and how does this have anything to do with spaghetti? Well, the answer is simple, the Greek government took out a loan from the EU, which was secretly and solely funded by the Italian government. The CIA then began laundering their money from their crack operations in California into Italy by buying significantly large amounts of pasta, specially, spaghetti, as it’s compactness and rigidity made it the perfect candidate for bulk purchases.

The CIA, now with unfathomable amounts of spaghetti began reaching out to various pasta companies. The CIA’s made a simple offer to pasta companies which they couldn’t refuse – they would provide these companies with pasta at half of the cost of manufacturing to do it themselves, so long as they never told the FBI about such a deal. With that, the spaghetti coming from almost all of the major American pasta manufacturers was distributed to them via the CIA.

Now from here, it still may seem unclear how ALL spaghetti was banned in the United States. This is where we fast forward to December of 2019. All of the nation’s pasta companies have been effectively nationalized by the CIA, and now all distribute the same CIA pasta. In December, however, there was a salmonella contamination across the many pasta factories, and because of this, almost all of America’s spaghetti became contaminated at once, which would be a near impossible occurrence by chance.

Soon, the FBI began detailed investigations of every spaghetti manufacturer in the United States and found one very basic flaw in the CIA’s plan – they failed to cover up their own tracks on international financial records and were soon discovered.

With almost all of the country’s spaghetti poisoned, and with there being no real way to discern between ‘dirty’ pasta and American pasta, the FDA swiftly placed a nationwide ban on spaghetti.

The expiry of the Ban on Spaghetti has yet be determined, but what is clear is that our spaghetti will not be coming back anytime soon.