If you’re accurate, you can cucumber a dude’s throat pretty good. I’m talking about some guy, probably a good friend of yours, just blabbin’ away about some story you don’t care about, and let’s be honest, you’ve never liked this guy’s stories, and over the years you’ve actually grown to hate this person you once considered to be your friend, but you let him just keep talkin’ and talkin’ until he reaches a critical point in his story that he thinks is the funny part so he throws his head back and belly laughs like a fuckin’ buffoon, and that’s when you grip the cucumber you had with you the whole time, aim for the deepest part of his throat, and come down harder that a ceremonial dagger onto to a sacrificial virgin’s supple bosom and you just fuckin’ jam that veggie log right down his throat and clog him up good. He’ll flail about in his lawn chair all confused and panicked with a look that screams both “help me” and “how could you?” at the same time, but you just get up out of your shittier than his lawn chair and slow clap to yourself. You aren’t going to save him. You tell him that you’re going to tell the police that you found him like this and that he must have been practicing deep throat huge dongs and had an accident with this cucumber and guess what? The cops will believe the entire story. As his eyes roll back into his head and his gasps for air become less frequent, you realize that you just murdered a long time friend and you feel no remorse, in fact, you feel exhilarated. You do this sexy little strut back to your car and drive home following all the traffic laws because you’re just in that good of a mood.