Half an hour ago, on the bus home I felt a huge cramp in my stomach – I knew I had to shit but luckily I was only two stops away. I get home, drop my bags in my bedroom. I check my stomach in the mirror because my friend always told me that her stomach looked flatter after taking a shit. It’s never seemed to be true for me but maybe it’s because she’s much smaller than I am.
Anyway, I sit on the crapper. It’s not a clean poop but it’s a never ending story, alright. Felt like it was going forever and didn’t feel like much was coming out – I was afraid that I was backed up and dreaded having to go back for more rounds. Eventually, I feel the darkness leave me. I sit up, and there is, I shit you not, an at least 10 INCH LOG looking back up at me. I have never shat something anywhere that large before and it had curled underneath the toilet bowl so maybe it could’ve been a little longer. I’ve never been one for scatology and always found it juvenile as fuck but holy shit – it was MASSIVE. How the fuck did that come out of me? I had to spend at least a minute staring at this thing as my soul was fighting itself.
“poopknifelearner, this is basically twice as long as anything you’ve ever shat before. You NEED to take a picture.”
“You’re an adult and you’re actually contemplating taking a picture of this piece of shit. Seriously? Who the fuck would you show it to?”
This was also a girthy motherfucker, it was not fun to push out and I actually feel a little empty now sitting here typing this. I really wanted to take a picture of this thing but I don’t know if I could live with that burden for the rest of my life so I flushed it. I kind of regret it now but I’m telling Reddit. I seriously feel there’s this weight on my chest that is releasing as I type.
But of course, it did not flush. I tried again several times, threw water in it, plunged it a bit, and he would not separate. I required a poop knife but I would never forgive myself if I ruined a knife with one of my monster shits – or worse, ended up reusing it accidentally.
The pump(?) began growing weak. In desperation, I grabbed a bit of toilet paper in hopes i could break a bit off but it instantly got soaked so i gave up. I then plunged it like a mad man after throwing more water into the bowl. Finally, two thirds of it flushed. The last third was a stubborn motherfucker but he is gone. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
I wish I had a poop knife. After spending forever shitting that thing out, I can’t help but feel that would’ve been so satisfying. That family was smart.