I would say “excuse me my lady”, and bow when she turns around. I would ask her why she’s in the grocery store alone and unprotected. As I cannot allow harm to come to a woman, I will verbally swear my allegiance to her safety, baring my katana as a sign of unwaivering loyalty.

Her jerk ex will come by (after buying steroids from the sports section), and push her saying “out of my way you ugly slut, and your friend here looks like a bitch and probably doesn’t even know how to use that dumb ninja sword thing”. I’ll say “cease any further physical contact! You may do or say to me whatever you like but please do not foul the air around my lady’s delicate ears with vulgar language, nor cause harm to her gentle form”. He’ll respond with “what was that punk?? I’m gonna fuck you up you piece of shit!”, and start running towards me in bloodlusted roid rage. I’ll lower my head in preparation, waiting patiently for the perfect time to strike, entering my clairvoyant flow state. I can feel my surroundings in this state, I see all possible futures and filter them by their relative likelihood. I’ll know about the punch he throws before he knows he’s going to.

0.0003 seconds before the punch connects, I will draw my blade and slice his body in half diagonally. Then I’ll say “… I told you not to use vulgar language”. His cronies (who were there the whole time, I just didn’t mention them until now) will run away.


My lady, feeling waves of arousal and romantic infatuation pulsating to the extremities her body, will turn to me and say “thank god you were here for me!”. “Heh”, I’ll respond, “…god isn’t even real”. Of course she’ll beg me to make love to her right there in the radiant glow of the Doritos packaging. I will decline, stating that I will remain a virgin until marriage. “I must leave, my lady, my mom needs me home by 8”. “Will I ever see you again??” she’ll ask desperately. I’ll reply: “Outside the city limits, on a tall hill with a lonely willow tree, during the twilight before a waxing crescent. You will glimpse me studying the blade and meditating to the vibrations emitted from higher dimensions.”


Then I’ll sheathe my weapon, turn around to face away from her, and skate away on my heelies to my 2005 dodge caravan my parents let me borrow for the night.