When I was a kid my grandpa had this bitchin’ PP Nautilus that I wanted so bad. He also had a Casio Calculator watch.


Every Saturday and Sunday for the entirety of my teenage years we’d get up at 4 am and go to breakfast then paddle around the bay in his fishing boat catching fishies. We’d talk about life, and the things he’s learned through his long, fruitful lifetime. He taught me how to make money and be a success. He’d wear that beautiful Nautilus.


I didn’t hear any of that bullshit he spouted though. I just sat there looking at that PP like I was Gollum and he was Frodo wearing the One Ring. Hurry up and die you old shit, I want that fuckin’ watch!


Eventually that old bastard got diagnosed with terminal cancer and he had brought all this grandkids over to the house to give them their heirlooms. He sat around telling stories about heirlooms. Cousin Susie got his 1974 300SL AMG. My cousin Jeffery got his 2003 G55 AMG. My cousin Rob got his Beretta Imperiale Montecarlo Shotgun, and Johnathon got the Winchester 1886 in .50-110. My sister Sarah got his house, a 7,000 square foot home in the heart of historical Austin.


Finally we got to the PP. MY TIME HAS FUCKING COME YOU OLD FUCKIN’ COOT!!! ‘And I hope you wear this beautiful PP that has been with me since the day you were born in 1976, NOT ME ‘


Instantly, my heart sank, I was blinded by rage. I sat there sweating, fists clenched ready to strangle that dumb old fuck. I didn’t freak out because of course he must have something even better for me, his favorite grandson.


‘And to you RB, I am leaving the knowledge I’ve shared with you about how to create your own fortune on our long talks on our fishing trips. I love you so much, and I hope you cherish our time together and the knowledge I shared with you for your entire life, and the rowboat, I’m leaving you as well. I hope one day you share the knowledge of wealth with your son, and his sons son. Thank you.’ He made plans to take me fishing one last time the next weekend.


By the end of his bullshit ass speech everyone was in tears, including myself. I left without saying much. Everyone thought it was because I couldn’t deal with my grandfathers mortality. But no, it was because my older brother with a bad coke habit got MY FUCKING WATCH.


That Saturday rolled around, we ate breakfast, he talked, I didn’t listen. We got down to the dock in the back of his house on the lake, he walked to the end of the dock, so frail and weak. ‘I’m gonna need a little help getting in to the boat, today.’


I pushed that old cocksucker in the lake and walked away.


Fuck my grandpa!