All videogames released on any system since the dawn of time will be released on Switch this summer, before the world blows up due to the incoming nuclear holocaust, said Vincent Heck Price, vicepresident of Nintendo of America nuclear security department and secret boyfriend of Reggie.

“We thought we’d just do it” he commented. “I mean why not. The world is over. Mankind is over. Let’s just release all games ever made on the system. Of course, we won’t be able to test and optimize any of them but you can still try and see if they work at all. We developed a system that makes all games scale down for the Switch so you are ensured that they kinda work. For Playstation 4 games, for example, we just set the resolution to anything that will allow the game to run, even if it’s 50×50. Just make Bloodborne and Fallout 4 run, at any cost. So be assured that yes, you will be able to play ANY game before you die, on the Switch and if you have access to a bunker, you will be able to play them inside there after the world ends.”

Even though the world is ending, the games will definitely not be free, though. “Some people at Nintendo’s management want to make their bunkers prettier and possibly build entire little worlds inside of them. To make money for that, we will now accept pre-orders for any game that ever existed. Please understand, preorder the games now so we can build our underground towns before the world ends this summer”.

“Do not ever think once about not preordering the games, please, really” he insisted. “Just depart from your money, what the fuck do you need it for anyway? You are over. Your life, your country and your family are over. You do not need your money anymore. You are not rich enough to own your own bunker or build one, so just give us your money and we will give you all games ever released IN SOME FORM on the Switch this summer so you can play all games ever made for a little while right before the world fucking explodes”.

“Just fucking do it” he concluded. “Give us your fucking money and we will give you all fucking games you want. Let’s fucking get over it. Fucking world is gone” he fucking said.