Dear Liam,

I am going to fuck your mom. I don’t know when, and I don’t know where, but I will. I can wait for years if I need to but I’ll always be around and ready to fuck your mom. One day you’ll walk into your room and see us on your bed. She’ll be on all fours, I’ll be behind her with my king-sized tootsie roll in her sticky bun and your Xbox controller in my hands. I’ll beat every game you own while I fuck your mom.

Your mom wants me, but she can’t admit that to herself because of my age. Only Five more years and it will be legal; I’m going to fuck your mom on my eighteenth birthday. If she’s ok with it, I’ll fuck your mom before I’m eighteen. If we get caught I’ll visit her in jail so I can fuck her again. I don’t know if she can wait for it. Two Friday’s ago, when I slept over at your house- the night I waited for you to get out of the shower before playing your video games and I didn’t play your favorite one without you like a good friend, I didn’t beat the final boss on your favorite game because I’m not a piece of shit- I saw your mom looking at me a lot. Jess told me when a girl looks at a boy a lot it means she thinks he’s sexy. Remember when she pointed out the mustard on my crotch? How could she have noticed if she wasn’t looking. I heard somewhere that your wiener should be half the length of your foot. Well, my foot is seven inches long and my wiener is four when I get a boner, so it’s bigger than it should be. No wonder your mom wants me so much.

I’ll suck on your mom’s tits while grabbing her ass. I’ll smack her in the face with my junk. She’ll suck my dick while I eat your all your Halloween candy. I’ll tell her to do that thing with her feet I told you I thought was hot and you told the entire cock sucking school. You think you’re a cool motherfucker? Just you fucking wait.

I hate to be the one to point this out to you, but your parents decided to get a divorce only two weeks after the first time I went to your house. Your dad was jealous of me and realized your mom needed a real man that can do a kick flip. I’ll fuck your mom on my skateboard. It shouldn’t be hard to find because I know it’s in your goddamn basement. I saw you kick it behind the couch when we went down there the other day, asshole. I’ll also fuck her while she wears my autographed Yankees shirt you stole off my fucking bedroom wall, then you tried to tell me I left the window open and a raccoon got it. Do you think I have brain damage? I’ll give your mom brain damage from her head hitting the back of her bed. The first time I fuck her I’m going to stop when she’s about to cum and jerk off on her just like when you unplug my controller every time I’m about to beat you.

A month ago, when my babysitter, Olivia dropped me off at your house wearing a tub top that was way too small on her; your mom looked super jealous. Her boobies were barely even covered and I could see her nipples, and I could tell your it drove your mom crazy that I had another sexy woman in my life. Honestly, I’ve never seen your mom so mad. She wouldn’t let Olivia step foot in your house and nearly slammed the door on her face as soon as I stepped inside. When I sat down at your kitchen table, she was suddenly all smiles, offering to make me a sandwich and telling me you’d be downstairs in a minute. Alex told me if a woman really loves a man she makes him sandwiches all the time. How often does your mom make me sandwiches? Uh, every time I come over maybe? Get on my level, son.

When I’m eighteen I’m going to marry your mom so I can fuck her every night while you listen. When we graduate high school and you go off to college, I won’t have to because your mom has a job. When I’m your step dad, every summer when you come home I’m going to make you do all of the chores and ground you if you don’t. When I live in your house I’m going to jack off on everything you own because of that time you rubbed your ball sack on my pillow. I’m going to fuck your mom in the hall bathroom where you locked yourself in with my phone and ruined my chances with Samantha Lopez. You just wait and see; I’m going to fuck your mom.

Your ex-best friend and future stepdad,

-Kyle