[WP] One day, a seemingly random number floating above everyone’s guardian angel’s head appears. The number determines whether you go to heaven or hell, both of which are actually bloated bureaucracies that show all the statistics about your life. When you die, one number in particular (the one about how many lives you indirectly saved) seems surprisingly high… But before that, humanity learns that they are not alone in the universe. Aliens exist, and they see us as adorable pets and have left us alone as some kind of zoo. It turns out humans are the only species who are good at war so they are also feared throughout the galaxy. You are an alien sent to earth to investigate humans, but your spaceship crashed so your only hope to go back home is to fund space travel somehow. Your name is Elon Musk. The twist? You’re stuck in a groundhog day kind of temporal loop, and you slowly realize that the only way to break out from it is to meet your soulmate. The twist? Your soulmate has the ability to stop time and does so every time you get close. As a joke, you instead decide to ignore your soulmate and talk to a random person on the bus. “You’re not supposed to see me”, they say with a shocked expression on their face, “you’re an NPC and I’m the main player”. They run out of the bus and you try chasing after them, but they lost you. You look at your phone and you see a presidential alert text announcing that, starting today, everyone gets a superpower at age 18 for some reason. Your friends get telepathy and telekinesis and such. Your superpower however, seems much lamer at first, but it turns out the lamer the power, the more powerful it is. Your power is the ability to know when someone is lying and how long ago their last lie was. You talk to someone at dinner and slowly realize that they haven’t lied in centuries. They inform you that you need to go to Antarctica, but it turns out the Flat Earthers were right: the government really is hiding something about the shape of the earth, but it’s not a flat earth, but rather something much worse. You quickly find that the water around Antarctica is strongly guarded by pirates, and on their boats a battle between vampires and werewolves has been going on for centuries. As a joke, you dress up as a pirate and get on one of the boats. After knocking out the captain to take control of the boat, you hear a “Ding!” sound, and a message pops up in your field of view, displaying in bright green letters: “LEVEL UP”. You now have the ability to talk to animals. You finally start approaching Antartica, and you get on land, expecting to find nothing but ice and snow. But instead, you are greeted with a post-apocalyptic wasteland, destroyed buildings, ghost towns, etc. You slowly realize that there used to be a big civilization here, and it’s been destroyed by zombies, which you see marching in the distance… You also see your father fighting them off, which surprises you because you haven’t seen him since he left to get cigarettes when you were 10. Little did you know, he has been trying to get back ever since, and you slowly realize that he somehow hasn’t aged at all and you are in fact older than him. In fact, he has been cursed with immortality 2000 years ago. After telling you his story, he hands you a letter addressed to you from Hogwarts, where you quickly get to, only to meet your professors: Sterling Archer, Bruce Wayne, and Darth Vader. Upon arriving, you meet your roommates: Death, the Devil (she goes by Lucy), and Cthulhu. Contrary to popular beliefs, they’re actually pretty nice people. As a joke, you decide to drop out because you found a genie lamp in the basement of the library. “I will grant you 3 wishes”, says the genie. You hire a lawyer to craft the perfect wishes for you so that there’s no possible loophole. You manage to get the genie to grant you a one-time time traveling ticket in order to go back in time to kill Hitler. The twist? Hitler is so used to time travelers trying to kill him that he had his scientists invent an anti-time-traveler shield that sends you even further in time to approximately AD 30. You decide to make the most of it by brushing up the Aramaic you learned in college, in order to meet Jesus. The twist? You can’t find anyone named Jesus, so you decide to preach love and tolerance to people until you slowly realize that you ARE Jesus. Eventually, you start to notice a pattern: all the absurd plot twists seemingly only ever happen to you. Thus you realize you’re in some kind of a surreal parody, so you decide to protest by leading the most boring life you can so no one will want to read your story. As a result, the sky opens up and the entire world goes black, and you hear the author say: “I think that’s quite enough”.