Marriage was a mistake; I should know, I used to be married. She was… a member of the opposite sex. Her name was Sharona, she was my Sharona. We had 2 kids, Jim Jr. and Jimijanga. I’d take the kids to Disneyland on the weekends, while Sharona would go on her “monorail” trips with her “friends.” In reality, she was the one getting monorailed — by 5 male friends. But I refused to believe this. My denial was not a mere river in Egypt; it was an entire ocean.

It all came to a head over Thanksgiving dinner. After saying our mealtime prayers, my wife Sharona promptly announced to the family that she was filing for divorce. She told me I was holding her back from her dreams — her dreams of being monorailed on the weekends by 5 men simultaneously. “I want more,” she said. “I’m sorry, but you’re just too… singular.”

Desperate, I blurted out, “My Sharona, I can change! I can be the caboose to your steam engine! Please, don’t leave!” But her face was stone-cold, her forehead shiny as the exterior of a Shinkansen bullet train. “Steam engine? I ask for a monorail and all you can give me is a steam engine? The future is now, old man.”

The court proceedings were swift. She took the kids, the house, the money, the Legos. My Sharona took it all, and left me an empty void while she got her void filled on the weekends by 5 men simultaneously. I live life day by day now, subsisting off of half-eaten sushis and instant ramen flavor packets as I huddle for warmth under the bridge.

As the monorails pass overhead, snippets of conversation float into my worn and beaten ears. They call me the troll under the bridge, the homeless guy with no M, the crazy man who lost it all over a Thanksgiving dinner. I used to joke that I was the one who wore the pants in our relationship; as it turns out, she was the one who wore the pants all along. Now, she wears 5 pants simultaneously, and I’m left with nothing but my tighty-whities.

The reason I tell this story is because my experience was nowhere near as sad as when I monorailed ur mum last night.