First 30 minutes:

Lick some random people on the street, aquiring an army.

2 hours:

Go to a military base, with my people protecting me as I am turning the soldiers and pilots to do my bidding.

3 hours:

We have an line of people, being held there by my army and I run by it with my tongue out, hitting 2 licks per second. I tell my army to get high ranking military personnel to the military base to lick ASAP, and I get scientists to research my tongue, figuring out ways to maximize lickage.

The army is acting as a decoy to lure the high-ranking officials here. They all make a scene, making it look like more unique supernatural event is occuring to interest the media.

5 hours:

Scientists have made a break through…
when my tongue cells are grown in vitro, they will convert anything they touch. Each cell has seemingly unlimited conversions.

6 hours:

37 high-ranking personnel have been licked

They are working frantically for their true goal: to work their way up to the commander-in-chief

8 hours:

208 military personnel have been licked

Scientists have synthesized a spray that only needs a specific protein from my tongue cells to convert, dubbed “Met(A)”

9 hours:

Met(A) production becomes top priority

10 hours:

Army ditches their job as props, focusing solely on production

11 hours:

Pilots take the produced spray and release it into atomosphere, causing clusters of precipitation of Met(A) over high-density areas

12 hours:

Met(A) is able to convert easier than we previously thought:

Affected individuals with residue of Met(A) on skin are able to transfer the residue to unaffected persons to convert.

13 hours:

Its been a long day, I’m tired…

I ordered everyone to spread it as much as possible so I could go to sleep, knowing tomorrow I would control the world.

25 hours since patient 0

I woke up

I felt fulfilled, as if I had conquered the world.

My room was marvelous, it looked as if my people had worked through the night, carefully chiseling the perfect room for me.

Emma Watson and Tom Hanks both came into my room and helped me get up… the air felt so light, as if it was cool, pure oxygen running down my throat, and with every breath I felt more awake.

Tom Hanks opened the velvet curtains to reveal that we were on top of a hill, with a mountain in the distance with my face carved on it. I was in awe.

Donald Trump and Vladmir Putin both came in once I was dressed, and asked me to sign the papers to officially own the world.

I sat down on the silk throne, with my ivory pen in hand.

I moved my pen towards the paper but I hesitated…

I felt something in my mouth — NO, quite the OPPOSITE!!!

I looked at Putin and asked as clearly as I could: “whauYr iesS mAi tumnGue?”

He solemnly replied: “я не знаю…”

I don’t speak rasputin so instead I looked at Trump and asked him: “whayRE esT mAI tum?”

He fatefully exclaimed: “Listen, I may know or I may not know… but I can say for certain that I possibly don’t know. If you think I’m saying I don’t know for sure, nonono, if you think that then you aren’t getting it… I just probably don’t know where your tongue is.”

I turned to Tom, then Emma, they both stared at me in sorrow over the loss of my tongue, which unified the whole world… the world cried that day (I mighttt have made them cry)

27 hours since patient 0:

We declare today as an international holiday… for honoring the sacrifice of my tongue to unify mankind.

It is simply known as: “Tongue Day”



Present day:

The lead scientist that helped me conquer the world, who was soon retiring, came to me this morning asking for a moment of my time.

He sat me down, and asked me how life was like without a tongue.

I replied “itshH okauH aIy gausSe”

He started to tell me my life story, which I have heard countless times from others trying to publish an unofficial biography of me.

But this time it was different.

He had an emphasis on the control of myself, of my own actions, of how I reacted to certain things in the past… things only I knew.

Then, in his final line, he said:

“You licked everyone in the world but yourself”

I sat there, locking on his eyes until they started to drift away as I teared up. The

In my head I thought:

“The Met(A)!”

“That is why the my tongue disappeared, because it could not control ITSELF!”

“Maybe if I could find some Met(A) then I could bring my tongue back!!



Then, with courage, I asked the scientist…


“hOw canm aAi geTt MoeMetA?”