I’ll stare at some poor chick swallowing dick for MAYBE five seconds, ten if shes super hot. A minute? I’ve already pulled up another porn vid, scrolled through the other suggested vids while it loads, and maybe opened a tab for my favorite.

Five minutes? Hell, the rate I power-jack this shit, five minutes might as well be eternity. And you know what? Watching five minutes of boring blowjob feels like an eternity.

Ten minutes? You know when you’re a kid in church, and it is intended to last an hour? But someone fucked up and left a clock where you can see it, and you’re smart enough to read the old fashioned, analog hands.. and it makes this damn ticking noise every…. single…. second… tick tick tick… tick…. tick **tick** TICK **TICK** and the choir director is starting their fourth bloody song and even the pastor is starting to look fidgety and you know damn well he isn’t going to cut a single word off his sermon or shorten his already legendary dramatic pauses just to save his parishioners a few more seconds of bloody suffering on this earth in order to ensure their souls are saved…. and worst of all… worst of the worst, you can see the clock and its already taken 55 minutes, and Jimmy from the Presbyterian church down the street is already outside, riding his bike in your lawn, doing donuts on the grass and oh god, the pastor is getting up and starting his speech on Leviticus or begats or why we shouldn’t watch TV and now I’ve been here for 58 minutes and he’s got a notecard stack an inch high and someone, god, satan, please, I’d sell a soul I don’t believe in to get out of here and tick…. tick…. tick…. now I’ve been here 59 minutes and the pastor is still on his first bloody notecard… kill me now, god! and let mr Jaconbson bury me! I’ve already doodled on every square millimeter of the program, front and back, and my dads. Mom won’t give me hers, she just glares and whispers threatening things under her breath about how this is good for my soul and character as a man. Look how the sun is streaming through the stained glass windows and slowly creeping towards Ms Tibits at the organ bench and the birds are singing outside, and Mr Jaconbson the Jewish guy who is only here because he thinks it will help his business at the funeral home, and he’s probably right, the little old Jesus warriors love him and think he’s so brave for embracing their One True Faith… yeah, mr Jaconbson is snoring, and he’s almost drowning out that bloody TICK TICK **TICK** but not quite, and of course he’s not snoring in rhythm with the ticking, oh no, hes doing some sort of irregular symphony that perfectly amplifies the ticking to make it even somehow more maddening and I’m sure Jimmy from the Presbyterian church down the street is digging up the best fishing worms in the garden right now and oh god, why have you forsaken me, the pastor just dropped his notecards while finishing the first bloody one and you know he won’t just hurry it up, he will organize every murderous last one of them if it takes him five minutes and now, finally, he puts the first one back on top and looks over it, lips moving as he reads every line to himself to make sure he hit all the points he wanted to; and now six people, all soon to be mr Jaconbson’s clients are snoring in the back, and not a single goddamn one of them is in sync with either another snorer or the clock TICKING, somehow, miraculously, they all compete at a different level of agonizing distraction and ear-fuckery…. but finally, finally the pastor picks up his second note card and starts reading it to himself to double check it is the right one, and the clock, the evil, torturous slowly moving clock now says I’ve been here for 68 minutes, finally up from 67 minutes when I checked it compulsively five seconds ago. This is what a ten minute blowjob scene feels like

15; 15 minutes. You’re kidding, right? You must have a very specific fetish for an endless blowjob while on film.

20 minutes: I have achieved zen. I am at harmony with the world, and all its deepest mysteries are falling before me. I have given up all earthly desires, including a desire for orgasm, or this scene to end. I am at peace, I am one with the universe, and the universe is me.

25 minutes: I have fallen asleep, a perfect zen sleep that will never be replicated again.