For the past three years, I’ve been working as a security guard at the zoo. It’s usually pretty boring — occasionally I have to walk a woman to her car, or help a kid retrieve his toy from the flamingo enclosure.

That all changed a few months ago.

I was standing at the entrance of the zoo, texting my girlfriend, when a voice crackled over the radio. “Emergency at the penguin enclosure! EMERGENCY!”

I raced over. Terrifying images raced through my mind. Had a baby fallen in, and was drowning in the pond? Or had one of the penguins escaped, and was chasing the children?

But when I got there, I saw something even more terrifying.

There was a six-foot-tall penguin, standing in the middle of the enclosure.

Or, rather… a six-foot-tall guy wearing a penguin costume. The costume was expertly detailed and formed, and it was really quite beautiful.

Except for a crudely-cut, well-placed hole.

The parents were covering their children’s eyes. Some mothers were screaming; others were crying. “Do something!” one of them screamed. “Before he hurts the penguins!”

And she was right. As I stood there, dumbfounded, he was inching towards one of the female Emperor penguins. Arms stretched towards her, just like his —

“DO SOMETHING!”

I dove into the enclosure, and tackled him. He slapped me with his fins, chirping like mad. With the help of a few zookeepers, I was able to finally subdue him.

Later, I learned his name was Matt, and he went to the local high school. But my coworkers and I… well, we call him the Penguin Fucker.