The Sloth is a simple pet to use. When you see it, buy it.

Now, to some, this makes no sense. The Sloth is a 1/1 with no ability. Why would anyone take it? Of course, the answer is simple: it does have an ability. It’s simply too powerful to depict in the text of the game.

So what is this incredible ability? We don’t know for sure, but we have some theories. One notable thing is what happens on the rare occasion that the Sloth is not taken. One of my friends showed me on his phone that he got a Sloth in his shop, but he didn’t end up taking it. The next day, he got hit by a Bus. On its own, this might be a coincidence, sure. A bit later, however, my other friend rolled past a Sloth, while she was home sick. The next day, a Bus drove through her front door and hit her while she was on the couch.

Eventually, the CIA caught wind of this, and decided to experiment. They rolled past a Sloth in a bus-proof bunker. This wasn’t enough, though, because when the Bus inevitably hit their bunker, they were KO’d by the Splash Attack. Next they tried rolling past a Sloth in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. A full day passed without getting hit by a Bus, to their relief. As they were going home, however, a Bus came up over the horizon, driving on the water like Jesus on a motorcycle. It’s theorized that this is, in fact, the reason that the Titanic sank, and the so-called “iceberg” was an invention by the global Sloth elite.

It is not a choice to give a Sloth Chocolate, you are not getting that level 3 Monkey, you will give the Sloth Chocolate in the end.

I have a not so distant memory of encountering this vile being that toys with me every second of my life. One fateful day I was shopping in the sweets section at my local supermarket. The day had not been going well because everyone was using sweaty summoner builds to counter my Fish strat, and Teamwood had nerfed almost all my favorite Pets.

It felt like a dream, an illusion, but a mirage of the horrid Sloth appeared in front of my face with red pulsating eyes right in front of me in the isle. This putrid and adorable being was haunting me since I bought that Sloth today. The eyes stared into my soul forcing me to delve into my delusion even more beckoning me to give in to its desires. I know what it wanted, but I knew what would happen if I gave into its tricks. I couldn’t bear it’s evil eyes staring into my fragile soul. I frantically grabbed every Piece of Chocolate in sight in a desperate attempt to satisfy this demon’s needs. But alas, the store had ran out of Chocolate, and I sat there on my knees pleading for mercy. I had not gotten the Sloth to level 3. In an instant, one of the store shelves came crashing down, crushing me with 10 trophies that landed me in the hospital with a 40 week coma. Moral of the story is that the Sloth will always devour all your Chocolate in the end. You MUST level the Sloth to level 3, the trophies are not an award, they are the Sloth’s way, they are the Sloth’s EVIL.

The Sloth is an unstoppable force of nature. As I cry myself to sleep every night, all I can see is that smug grin. My every waking moment is haunted by the horrid honk of their Busses and the undying taunt of their trophies. Do not mess with Sloths. Be on constant alert, lest a Bus or trophies fall from the sky and crush you. They own the government. They own the banks. They pretend to be human. They’ll take everything you love and leave you to your own. They’ll try to make you take “medication”, but it’s all just a ploy to hit you with a Bus.

“The Sloth killed my wife and kids with a bus, while going after me for not buying him. If only I wasn’t the third in the order, then they wouldn’t have been hurt. But the bus hit my wife and the splash damage killed my kids. Every day I wait with baited breath for him to strike again. I can’t cross the street anymore. I can’t stay in my house. The CIA put me in the new Sloth Protection Program. Every day those eyes appear in front of me and peer into my soul. He takes from those who don’t pick him. Please developers, remove him from the game before he harms more people.” -Joe Geronimo

Legends say that getting a full team of sloths will make you lose, but legendary legends say it will make you immortal. The prophecy states that the one to fulfill the legend will forever be known as… Little Slothy.

Overall, the Sloth is a simple pet to use. When you see it, buy it; or face the ultimate consequence. <3

PS: Make sure to let the Sloth devour all your Chocolate, it doesn’t matter if you lose, the trophies were just a ploy for the Sloths to control the minds of lower beings!