Nope. You’re wrong.

Dead wrong.

Taking a cake pop in one bite? That’s some badass alpha dog turnabitchshairwhite move if there ever was one. One time I went into Starbucks right after I’d hit the gym. Yeah. That’s right I pump iron. Intimidated yet? Don’t worry. That’s only natural.

I walked right up and screamed at the top of my lungs, ‘GIVE ME A DAMN CAKE POP AND I WANT IT… RIGHT! DAMN! NOW!!!’

The entire store immediately went quiet, the only noise the loud audible ‘Gulp’ from the twerp behind the register. His eyes bulging like they were about to explode, he sat there and just nodded his dopey little head up and down, like a bobble-toy.

I stared that halfman down and began shaking my head, my breathing growing more and more intense. I pursed my lips as my own eyes grew wider, but mine in a menacing cool way and not in a scared cowardly manner at all. With the intensity of ten-thousand burning suns, I stuck my finger right at him and barked, “YOU!” and proceeded to tear off my t-shirt with my bare hands and I bellowed like a madman to the sky. In this case it was the roof of the building but you get the idea.

At this point he squealed in pure terror and broke from his fear-induced state of frozen terror. Summoning every ounce of courage he likely had, he grabbed a handful of cake pops and tossed them in my direction to placate my anger and hunger. Then he ran, leaving a trail of sweat and other bodily fluids behind him.

AAAAAARGHHHHH!!!! I cried and then, with one single bite, I took one of the cake pops, thrust it into my mouth and destroyed it.

Beyond my chewing, the room remained silent. Every woman in the room swooned. I was their God.

You don’t think eating a cake pop in one bite is Badass?

Think again.