HOW TO MAKE BREAKFAST CEREAL
By Bear Grylls
Step 1: Grab cereal box
Step 2: Cut top off of box and inner bag with one quick swipe of your KA-STICKTM DONGMASTERTM Combat Knife
Step 3: Carefully place your KA-STICKTM DONGMASTERTM carefully into its patented sheath carefully. Do this carefully, as the KA-STICKTM DONGMASTERTM may explode into many sharp pieces if not used carefully
Step 4: Remove bowl from cabinet
Step 5: Pour cereal into bowl
Step 6: Remove jug of piss from refrigerator. In an emergency, store-bought milk can be used instead. If using piss, warm in a 35°C oven for 5 min.
Step 7: Remove cap from piss/milk with your favorite balisong knife. Use the two handle pieces as a pincer to grip and twist the cap
Step 8: Pour milk/piss over cereal, making sure not to spill any that you might have to lick clean up later
Step 9: Set bowl on table, grab a spoon, and enjoy!
Step 10: Realize Realise you have no spoons in the house and your silverware drawer is instead full of expensive survival knives and zipper baggies full of piss
Step 11: Attempt to eat cereal with a balisong, only to find yourself thrashing at the bowl with it, with your hand around one handle piece, using the other as a flail
Step 12: Strip naked. Upend the table. Send the bowl flying. Give yourself a shower of cereal and milk/piss
Step 13: Beat your chest, scream, and go catch a fish with your bare hands.
Step 14: Eat the fish alive. Crack its skull with your powerful jaws.