I was walking along the Scottish border when a wild haggis bit into my arm. I tried to run away, but someway into England, the gang of Hackney caught up with me, taking my wallet and child. Barely escaping them I took a wrong turn into Blackpool where in a homeless man shanked me with his needle, making me feel sick all the way back to Hull. I want to get a bus to the hospital, but being down my wallet and one kid, feeling high, and having an aching arm, I can’t afford it. Please could I borrow some money?