Wal-Mart shopper (and ugly woman), here.

The reason I wear revealing clothes when I go to Wallyworld is because such attire is easy to remove in a hurry. Why would such a thing be necessary? Well, you just never know when struggle for the last oversized container of Great Value cheese balls will turn physical. When it does, I want to be nude because of the edge it will give me in a fight. You see, I’m 5/7 Armenian, so I’m naturally very oily. As my Nana would always say, “Սև վիշտն էր ձեզ մաշել, տանջել” lol.

Anyway, my ethnic gift makes it difficult for an opponent to get a firm hold on me. I’m like a wet trout buttered in margerine, except I’m not nearly as delicious (though if my ex-husband is to be believed, I do taste of the river). Even if they do manage to grab a teet or hook my cameltoe, I can still wriggle around and rotate in my own skin to counterattack. Sort of like a honey badger. It goes without saying I’m naked as jaybird on Black Friday, too, but that’s usually because I’m strung out on veterinary grade laxatives and fireball whiskey during most major holidays, as is tradition. Full disclosure, I usually black out, which is why I have seventeen flat screens.

Speaking of honey badgers, I also go for the groin first chance I get. That’s not limited to bareknuckle brawls at Walmart, either. If I meet a nice man, you best believe I don’t do none of that “third date” bullshit. Soon as I spot an opening, I’m face-planting into that crotch. Like I said, I’m ugly as shit (my Nana said I have a face only a mother could love, which doesn’t make sense because I seem to recall mother hating me, particularly my face) so I got to use the skills at my disposal. Having a mouth like a Swedish breast pump is one of them. Juggling is another. The ability to tie an anchor hitch while blindfolded is one more. Knowing how to combine all three? Priceless.

Well, maybe not entirely priceless. Not so long ago, I was working my way through nursing school and needed money, so I actually did put a price on it. Fifteen dollars was my going rate. don’t charge any more, though . You could say I do it *pro boner* now lmao. Man, I love penis.