Last night, after yanking my weiner out of my mom, I went to see Spider-Man: No Way Home. The movie definitely measured up to the hype. I thought the sex scene between Tom Holland and Spongebob was a little long but very well animated. Spider-Man filling Spongebob’s porous skull with gallons of spidey semen was so arousing that I had a difficult time preventing myself from nutting all over the family in front of me.

Dr Strange attempts to defeat Andrew Garfield by opening a portal in his ass and shoving in his wizardly wand. Spider-Man is so pleasured by this that he volcanically blasts 42069 tons of semen. He instantly births 14,000,065 wizard spiders that viciously consume every innocent civilian in Gotham City.

Tobey Maguire celebrates this victory by saying “Pizza time!” He unzips and tops the pie with his spider babies. However, the cummy splatter looks kinda sus ngl. He utters the brilliantly written line “There’s an imposter amongus” just as it cuts to the credits.

I can’t wait for the sequel.