I live in the American Gardens cat tree on West 81st street. My name is Patrick Catman. I’m almost 3 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I’ll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do ten now. After I remove the ice pack, I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower, I use a water activated gel cleanser. Then a honey almond body scrub. And on the face, an exfoliating gel scrub. Then apply an herb mint facial mask, which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. There is an idea of a Patrick Catman, some kind of catstraction, but there is no real me. Only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my paw and feel fur gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable, I simply am not there.